Where did it all start and how does it end? I have shared a few details of my dealings with Postpartum Preeclampsia. I plan to share the whole story in another blog soon. I do believe that my attachment issues started long before Eden ever graced my world. It could have started with the knowledge that some children are not protected enough, and suffer physical, mental and/or sexual abuse. Having to miss out on Eden’s second and third week of life didn’t help much either. I just remember when I finally had her back in my arms, I mentally caved and never fully recovered.
Recently, my oldest sister planned a girl’s night out with all the sisters… that included me. I automatically started spazzing out …that would require me being away from my daughter. I love my sisters tremendously, and so I agreed to a sister’s night at the end of July. Will I go? Will I ask them if Eden can tag along? Or will I come up with an excuse as to why I can’t make it? If we are speaking honestly here… all sisters involved have grown children, older children or puppy children. With that being said …whatever I decide will be in the best interest of my child and my wellbeing. As for now, I plan to be there.
In the last twenty-five months, I have only been away from my daughter when necessary. She has stayed with my mother, at my house, while I went to a few doctor appointments. For my Husband’s birthday, we took Eden to daycare for a couple hours. My mother watched her at daycare while we went to see a movie. We had plans to have lunch as well but, decided to go back and get Eden. It had been well over three hours, and I was beginning to break and feel extremely anxious. I knew she was okay, I had text my mom the whole time as I usually did. I was attempting to be present for my husband that day and it was a major fail. He was understanding and loving and assured me that he was just as ready to pick Eden back up. I’m not sure if he said that to make me feel better about needing her back or if my attachment issues were starting to belong to him as well. It is always the three of us, unless he’s at work or running an errand. My time alone consist of bathroom breaks, their evening walks, and visits to my office to write. My husband and Eden are the only two people I can be around every day, all day. Usually I need a break from people in general, but these two are like air …I need it to survive.
Now I’m at the point to where I don’t want my issues to become theirs. I want Eden to know that if I leave her someplace, that I will be back for her. I don’t want her to feel what I feel when I must leave her. To be honest, I try my best to only leave during her nap time, close to or after her bedtime. She’s usually okay when I leave her, especially if it’s in her environment. I’m making a commitment to try and heal and trust that I can be away for longer periods of time now that she’s older. When I have had to leave her, she’s either been with her father, my mother, or my sister. The only other person that I would trust with my child at this point is her Godmother. I chose this woman to be there in my absence (GOD forbid), to continue mothering my child. I don’t want to think about not being there for Eden. However, my heart is more at ease knowing that her father and Godmother will carry on. The world is just too ugly of a place to not be prepared. Although, I play into these fears… my child is fearless. Because of who she is and what I want for her… I must face my own fears, if I never conquer them… I must suffer through them for her sake.
With Eden’s diagnosis of Achondroplasia, there are extra precautions to consider. I must make decisions for my child that others may not agree with or understand, and that’s perfectly okay. My attachment issues also stem from the lack of knowledge out there, the ignorance and preconceive bigotries. I guess I want my daughter to truly understand the saying …” I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” -Jimmy Dean
I am a work in progress. I am a mother bear. I am attempting to adjust my own sails.